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E136: The Secret to Getting Along with Gabrielle Hartley

By June 14, 2023No Comments

Conflict can arise in any aspect of our lives, be it at home, at work, or even on social media. However, it’s not always a negative experience, and can even lead to positive outcomes. In this episode, I am joined by a special guest, Gabrielle Hartley, a divorce attorney, author, and TEDx speaker who has written a book called The Secret to Getting Along. Together, we’ll explore the various ways to approach conflict, deal with high-conflict individuals, and ultimately create more harmony and connection in our relationships.

Here are some power takeaways from today’s conversation:

  • The formula for getting along
  • The best way to deal with conflict
  • How to handle conflict without antagonizing the person
  • How to deal with high-conflict individuals

Episode Highlights:

[03:05] The Formula for Getting Along

We tend to overcomplicate conflict resolution in our minds, but in reality, it’s much simpler than we think. The main objective of The Secret to Getting Along is to enhance our relationships both at home and in the professional world. While the YES method doesn’t guarantee perfect relationships (that’s just unrealistic!), it does provide a practical approach to dealing with difficult people or situations. Even if you’re faced with an impossible-to-deal-with individual, you have the power to manage yourself and your reactions. By changing your perspective and responses, you can influence how others react to you, leading to positive shifts in your interactions.

[08:29] The Best Way to Deal with Conflict

The first step is to ask yourself why you want what you want underneath your position. It’s essential to differentiate between wants and needs. Identify what you really need and what the other person needs. When you understand their needs and how important they are to them, you are more likely to give them what they need. When everyone’s needs are met, it’s easier to satisfy some of your wants and desires.

[14:57] Handling Conflicts Without Antagonizing the Other Person

Here are some quick tips on how to handle conflict without antagonizing the other person:

  1. Take a step back and practice deep breathing. When someone is escalating, it can be annoying and trigger your emotional charge. Deep breathing in for five counts, holding for five counts, and exhaling for five counts can help you regulate your emotions. This pause will also encourage the other person to take a break since you’re not interacting with them.
  2. Learn to say “no” and set boundaries. If you’re dealing with an aggressive person, being a people pleaser or remaining silent can be interpreted as acquiescence. Instead of stonewalling, there are certain phrases you can use like “Let me take five minutes to get back to you” or “I need some time to cool off.” You can also suggest communicating via writing to avoid getting caught up in endless back-and-forth discussions. This effectively establishes boundaries while reducing the other person’s anxiety about the situation.
  3. Create Safe Haven containers by slowing down the conversation. When things start to escalate, suggest addressing one issue at a time, and have the other person name the most important issue to them. This approach makes each small issue more manageable and tolerable, leading to a more productive discussion.

Resources Mentioned:

The Secret to Getting Along

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